Watching and Waiting... and Trusting

looking out my parents' back door this weekend

I went to visit my family in Virginia this past weekend while I needed to leave Costa Rica for a few days in order to be able to continue to drive there.   It was wonderful to get to see them even for just a few short days. While there my mom asked me if it surprised or saddened me to see her and my dad age.  (It can seem more drastic when you are not seeing the slow progression, just like when you haven't seen someone's children for awhile and they have changed so much!)  Sometimes it is.  It's hard to see my older sister in pain or to share conversations with loved ones in a few short hours when I wish I could be there days on end to talk face to face.  One weekend is not nearly long enough.  And sometimes I want to be the hero, to fix all the problems that face my friends and family.

Last night after I got home, a dear friend in another country messaged me. Her family is going through some really tough stuff similar to what we have faced before.  Similar to what many others have faced or will face, but that doesn't make it any easier.  It's hard.  Really hard.  And because I've been there,  I want to be there for my friend to physically hug her, weep with her, pray with her, read scriptures with her,  listen to her, bring her a meal, watch her kids, and more.  But I can't.  I'm geographically too far away.

And when I really think about what I want, what I really want is to make everything better.  To ease the pain.  To wish they didn't have to go through the difficult times.  But pain happens.  It's part of life.

 And then God reminds me that I am not God, that I cannot take away all their pain and heartache.  But He is God. And He is in control. He is with them.  He doesn't promise to fix every problem or to take away all the fear, the anger, the frustration, the sickness, the pain...  But He does promise to be with us.  He even promises that the trials we go through will make us more complete.  We will see Him more clearly and know Him better through these difficulties.

Psalm 62:1- 2 says, "My soul finds rest in God alone; my salvation comes from Him.  He alone is my rock and my salvation; He is my fortress, I will never be shaken."  This is repeated later in the Psalm as a command: "Find rest, o my soul, in God alone; my hope comes from Him.  He alone is my salvation; He is my fortress, I will not be shaken."

Ultimately, I have to choose to rest in God, even when I can't be there to protect someone or fix their problems.  I have to trust God that He is with them, that He is their fortress and their salvation.  That He (not me!) is their God, and that He can handle it!.

So I pray fervently for those I love who are far away (and those who are close by.)  Sometimes I cry, too. Then I choose to rest in God and know that He is my rock and my salvation.  And that He is the rock and salvation of my friends and family, too.

God is our rock!

Not the road I wanted

I started to write this blog post about a month ago - or maybe two months ago.  But time went by...  and yet I still think about what God wanted me to learn the day that I had an unintended off - road adventure by myself.

It was our youngest child' first day of kindergarten. For the second time. And I was not his teacher even though I've been teaching him to read. When he was born, I thought I would be homeschooling him in kindergarten  like I had all the rest of our children at that age. But many times God has other plans for us than what we imagine.  Last fall he started kindergarten at a school connected to the language school where Sean and I were studying Spanish. Since I didn't know Spanish, I needed to be in class and, well, I can't be in two places at the same time, so he had to go to school. We considered whether or not to go back to homeschooling with some of our kids when I graduated in December.  3 of our kids wanted to - and I love homeschooling!  However, our children still didn't know Spanish well.  After praying a lot and talking together and visiting another school, we decided it would be best to enroll our children in a bilingual school where we are definitely the minority - almost all the kids speak Spanish as their first language - and our kids look very, well, white!

Micah outside his classroom - he's excited!

There was a beautiful rainbow on Micah's first day at the school reminding me of God's faithfulness

The list of school supplies was super long for each child, and of course, written in Spanish.  It took my quite awhile to figure out what all of the school supplies were that we needed and even longer to find them.  For Micah, there was one type of folder that he needed in red and yellow that I just couldn't find.  The day before his first class, I talked to his teacher about it, and she told me the name of a store where I could find it.  The next day (his first day of school,) I drove to the store using google maps to direct me.  It was higher in elevation than our home.  Next, I was going to go to the Cru office for a devotional - I had just the right amount of time.  Google maps gave me 3 choices of roads to get there, so naturally I chose the one that looked the least trafficky (I hate traffic!) and that was the fastest.  As I started out, I actually was going higher up the mountain, even though I would need to eventually come down to get to the office, which is two towns lower than our house.

The views were terrific.  Occasionally I would get stuck behind a big truck, but I was enjoying the journey.  I had just read the introduction to a lent devotional talking about enjoying the journey as a pilgrim and not rushing to get to the destination.

the view at the top of the mountain at the point the road became really bad

At one point, I needed to turn right to start descending down the mountain.  The road was not paved - that was okay - there is a non-paved road near our house that we often use.  I also was happy that I was driving our new (to us) large 4 wheel drive vehicle, and I had already switched it into 4 wheel drive.  However, as I continued down this road, it became narrower and rougher.  I finally got to one point where the road turned to the left and also had huge ruts.  I had to stop.  I didn't know if I could make it through this section of the road.  I got out and looked.

a mountain biker dismounted when he went by while I was stopped

I had never driven anywhere so bumpy.  I didn't really want to do this by myself, but I didn't really have a choice.  Because the road had gotten much narrower, I wasn't too sure that I could turn around.  I sat there for awhile trying to find the spot in the owner's manual that told how to put the vehicle in 4WD LO.  Meanwhile, it was time for the devotional to start.  My "shortest" route definitely was not turning out to be short at all.   I talked to Sean on the phone - he offered to come up there (but he would have been driving a friend's car - and I knew this road was not suitable for a regular car!)  So I asked him to pray and put the car in  4WD LO and slowly started down the road.

I have to drive down this?!?!  (It was worse than the picture shows.)

I made it!  I even stopped a couple of times to take pictures - it was truly a beautiful place - just not what I had in mind for that morning.

one of the beautiful scenes on the way down the mountain

God often does that.  I'm a planner.  I like to know where I am going and what I will be doing.  And yet we never really are in control.  That morning I thought I would buy two folders and then go to the office.  Instead I ended up with only one folder (I never did find a yellow one!) and missed the planned devotional.  But God had an even better lesson for me that I would not forget (maybe it's too easy for me to forget the planned ones?)  He wanted me to know that He is in control and that He will choose the roads for me to take.  He is the One in control - not me.

the one folder I was able to buy that day

For the past 6 weeks, I have often thought of that off-road adventure.  There have been times when I have been disappointed or frustrated in not getting to do what I want to do - and yet at the same time, I have seen God's hand.  He is working, and He is doing amazing things.  And His work is much greater than what I have planned or imagined, just like the view on the way down the mountain and the lesson He taught were both much greater than what I had planned for the day.

I had to make a yellow folder from an orange one after going to several stores and not finding one

Lessons from Habakkuk

Currently we are in language school learning Spanish.  Every Friday, our language teacher gives us topics that we will discuss the next week.  Our homework is to prepare to talk about whatever the topic is for the day.  Today's topic was "una descripción  de una personaje bíblico del A.T. " (that is, a description of a biblical character in the Old Testament.)   One of my favorite Old Testament people is David, but I didn't want to discuss him because I guessed someone else would also want to describe him.  ( I was right!)  I decided to talk about Habakkuk.  Several years ago I had completed a Bible study on Habakkuk, and God used the study in my life.  Over the weekend, I studied Habakkuk once again.  The book is small - only 3 chapters.  What's really cool is that God used this assignment to remind me of His power and that I can rest in Him even during the times when my circumstances are not what I want.  Here is what I wrote for class - please forgive the short, choppy sentences. (The translation is at the bottom.)

Even though someone was able to steal a few of our belongings in this garage and never got caught; I know that God is in control, and He will make things right.  

Habacuc era un propheta que vivía antes la caida de Judá a Babilonia.  Habacuc probablemente vivía en Judá porque su profecía era por Judá.  Él escribió el libro de habacuc en el Antiguo Testamento.

Habacuc era muy frustrado y desalentado porque la gente de Judá no era justa.  Había mucha violencia en la tierra.  Habacuc quería la justicia y la rectitud y él le preguntó a Dios porque Dios permitía los malvados prosperar.  Cuando Dios le dijo que estaba mandando a los caldeos para juzgar a Judá, Habacuc se enoja puesto que los caldeos eran muy malvados.

No obstante, Dios le recordaba a Habacuc que Dios es siempre, siempre, siempre todopoderoso.  Habacuc cambía.  Él aprendía a confiar en Dios.  Habacuc tomó una decisión.  Habacuc decidía descansar y esperar a Dios para juzgar a sus enemigos.

Al fin del libro, Habacuc se alegraba en Dios aunque sus circumstancias eran muy malas.

La personaje de Habacuc me recuerda que Dios es siempre, siempre, siempre todopoderoso y yo puedo descansar aún cuando mis circumstancias son muy malas.  
  Gracias a Dios!

This is our laundry - this afternoon there was a leak from this area; water was all over the floor and on some of our belongings.  Even when bad things like this happen, I can trust that God is in control.  He knows and will take care of me even though some of my circumstances aren't what I would desire.

Habakkuk was a prophet that lived before the fall of Judah in Babylon.  Habakkuk probably lived in Judah because his prophecy was for Judah.  He wrote the book of Habakuk in the Old Testament.

Habakkuk was very frustrated and disappointed because the people of Judah were not just.  There was a lot of violence in the land.  Habakkuk wanted justice and righteousness and he asked God why God permitted the evil to prosper.  When God said that He was sending the Chaldeans to judge Judah, Habakkuk was angry since the Chaldeans were very bad.  

Nevertheless, God reminded Habakkuk that He is always, always, always almighty (omnipotent.)  Habakkuk changed!  He learned to trust in God.  Habakkuk made a decision.  Habakkuk decided to rest and trust in God to judge his enemies.

At the end  of the book, Habakkuk rejoiced in God even though his circumstances were very bad.

The character of Habakkuk reminds me that God is always, always, always almighty and I can rest even when my circumstances are very bad.

Thanks to God!!!

Just like Micah can sleep peacefully here in the hammock knowing I won't let him fall,
I can rest in God knowing that He will make things right
even if at the present time it seems that life's not fair.

Only a year ago...

Sean and I on a hike... In the background just to the left of Sean's shirt sleeve is Cru's LAC office (2nd big building) where we'll be working.

A year ago today, February 21, was a cold Friday morning.  Sean was out of town, so I had to drive Natalie to the carpool drop-off spot.  On the way home, I prayed and told God I was willing to move anywhere if it would be good for our family.  Even Orlando.

I've never really wanted to live in Orlando, but it's the international headquarters for Cru, and Sean works in Operations.  That means that it would be a real possibility of moving there at some point, especially if we showed any interest.  So when I prayed that morning, I told God I was willing to move anywhere, even Orlando.  I was surrendering to Him.

First sleepover in Costa Rica last night in celebration of Samuel's birthday this coming Tuesday

All of our children were born in Chester County, Pennsylvania.  We lived there for over 16 years.  We love it there!  We love our friends, our church family, our house, our doctors, and the list goes on and on.  Even our hairdresser is the only hairdresser who has ever cut any of our kids hair!  (We both got teary-eyed the last time she cut our hair in December.)  Sean enjoyed his job, and we believed we were making a difference both through Cru and in the community.  So we weren't hoping to move.

But a year ago today I told God I was willing to move anywhere if that's what He wanted.  And it was!

Natalie's soccer game in Escazu

That same evening, on February 21, as I was at a local firehall helping set up for our cub scout pack's blue and gold banquet, Sean told me on the phone about an email he had just received that afternoon.  It was from a coworker that we knew who lives in Costa Rica.  In the email, he asked us to consider moving to Costa Rica for Sean to become the operations director for Cru's LAC (Latin America and the Caribbean) office.  WOW!  The email came later on the EXACT same day I had prayed telling God I was willing to move anywhere!!!

So we couldn't just ignore the email.  Instead, we began to pray.

The next week our world turned upside down as one of our kids became very sick and was hospitalized for 2 weeks.  That's another story of God's grace.  But we paused our consideration of moving while we focused on health.

Later in the spring, we began to consider the question of moving to Costa Rica.  We had lots of questions:  What about everything everyone's health?  What about schools? What about our house? Our friends? Everything comfortable about Pennsylvania?  Did God really want us to move to Costa Rica, or did He just want us to be willing to move?  Over the next several months, we prayed and sought God's will in the matter. Throughout this time, God made it very clear that He wanted us to take this step of faith to move to Costa Rica.  Maybe later I'll write more about some of the ways He made it so clear. But He did make it clear.  And so now, a year later to the day, we have been in Costa Rica for 7 weeks and one day.

Micah's first school "performance"

It hasn't always been easy.  I miss my friends and family.  (When I had to describe my family in Spanish to one of my classes, I began to cry - how embarrassing!)  Micah also cries easily (more than his friends here seem to cry.)  I'm still figuring out where to buy everything I need.  I get tired of working so hard mentally to understand what others are saying or to be able to communicate even just a little bit with others.  It can be exhausting just going to buy a simple item and having to figure out what the vendor is telling me (especially when he tells me I have to tell him the amount I owe him in Spanish and how much change I will receive in Spanish.)  Cooking on a tiny stove can be difficult at at times.  Figuring out everyone's schedule and how to get to and from each place by walking or taking a bus or taxi can be tiring.

Micah and Elliana love our landlords!

But it's worth it.  We've made some great new friends.  God gave us a wonderful house across from a beautiful park with sweet neighbors and the best landlords ever.  The new fruits and learning the culture and the language have been rewarding as well.  (And I have to admit, waking up where it's 70 degrees when I see on my weather app that it's 0 degrees in PA makes me enjoy the weather here even more this time of year.) But most of all, being in God's will makes it worth every bit of the hard parts.  It's worth it because God made it super clear that He wanted us here.  This past year is full of so many amazing ways that God showed us He wanted us here.  Sometimes it's hard to believe that just a year and one day ago I had no idea we would be living in a foreign country and learning a new language and culture.  But I wouldn't trade it for anything.  It's worth it to be right where He wants us.

Be strong!

Have you ever felt tired and worn out?  I have!  I'm even feeling a bit that way now as I face starting school in just a week with a busy end of this week ahead of me.  (I'm not ready for school to start!)  And yet this morning as I was reading in 2 Timothy, the first verse I read said, "Now then, my son, be strong in the grace that is in Christ Jesus."  There are times I think, how can I be strong?  I'm so weak and tired!  And yet, if I only look at those two words, be strong, then I have missed a big part of the point.

First, Paul says to be strong just after he has told Timothy that everyone in Asia except for one man has deserted him.  So I suppose Paul knows that Timothy, like Paul, will face times when people turn away or desert him.  I've had times when I've felt deserted, too! So Paul is exhorting Timothy to be strong in the face of those difficult times.  And yet to be strong on my own power would be futile.  I'm just not that strong.  (I used to think I was, but the older I get, the more I recognize my own limitations and weaknesses.)  That's where the rest of the verse comes in.  Paul doesn't stop with Be strong.  He continues by saying in the grace that is in Christ Jesus.  I must admit that I got stuck here.

What does it look like to be strong in the grace that is in Christ Jesus?  What does that mean practically?  As I pondered this, I realized that Paul gets it.  He knows that we can't be strong on our own.  It's impossible.  He is telling Timothy (and God is telling all of us) to rely on Christ and the grace we receive from Him.  I've known what grace is because of receiving Christ.  We talk about how grace is a free gift  - something we don't deserve.  It's easy to think of receiving that free gift in reference to our salvation. God saved us not based on our own merit or what we do but on the free gift of Jesus.  But here He is talking about the free gift of God giving us the ability to be strong.  Grace is God's free gift to me, not just in salvation (in saving me from being eternally separated from Him), but also in helping me to be strong in ministry: in being able to live victoriously in my day to day life.

Paul was dying.  Almost everyone in Asia had deserted him.  And here he was telling Timothy to be strong in the grace that is in Christ Jesus.  God is telling us how to be strong:  in the grace that is in Christ Jesus.  What does that look like practically?  What it's not:  it's not trying to do things in my own strength... not just trying harder, gritting my teeth, rolling up my sleeves and just pushing through.  What it is:  relying on God to give me the strength each day to do what He has for me that day.  Instead of worrying about the future and how I'm going to get everything done, I can give Him all those concerns and just do today what He has called me to do today.  It means depending on Him and relying on Him.  It means spending time with Him each day, allowing Him to give me the strength I need.

What does it look like for you to be strong in the grace that is in Christ Jesus?

Hope

So I have been thinking about HOPE recently.  There are days that can be quite discouraging.  I get asked all the time, "how do you manage?" with 5 kids, homeschooling some of them, carpooling and volunteering at the school for the one I'm not homeschooling, and working my job with Cru.  The answer I have sometimes given?  "Not very well."  And it's true.

On my own, I stink at all of my jobs, especially being a mom.  I look at other moms and their kids, and they seem to have it all together.  But then someone will make a comment about how my kids never misbehave or how they are so good.  I smile and think about the time at Beau Jeau's in Colorado when my kids were absolutely losing it while the other family with 5 kids had perfectly behaved "angels."  And then I realize that all those other families whose kids look like they have it all together really don't have it all together.

It's only by God's grace that any of us have part of it together anyway.  And that give me HOPE:

• I am hopeful that God is doing a good work in me in spite of my own selfishness and sinfulness. 
• I am hopeful that God is working in that child who isn't responding the way I had imagined - but instead in whom I see some of my own faults and failures.  
• I am hopeful that God can use a broken vessel like me to further His kingdom.  
• I am hopeful that God's mercies are new every morning.  
• I am hopeful that God can mend broken relationships.  
• I am hopeful that there is more than just this life here on earth.  
• I am hopeful that He is coming back one day.
• I am hopeful that when He does come back, He will make me into a new creation and I will no longer struggle with the same old sins, over and over again.  
• I am hopeful that I will one day see Him face to face.

"For in hope we have been saved, but hope that is seen is not hope; for who hopes for what he already sees? But if we hope for what we do not see, with perseverance we wait eagerly for it." Romans 8:24 - 25 NASB

A Tribute to My Mother

In 2011, I wrote a tribute to my mom and read it to her (along with a tribute to my dad) on Thanksgiving Day.  I wanted to share it with you today for Mother's day:

Natalie and Mama after my mom taught Natalie to make lemon meringue pie - yum!

A Tribute to Jane Nelson given by her daughter, Nancy Nelson Wayland, on Thanksgiving Day 2011

I remember mornings as a young girl how you would be in the kitchen packing our lunches and fixing our breakfast so that we could go to school well prepared. I was pretty picky with my sandwiches, and you always made a special one just for me: leaving out the peanut butter on the PB & J sandwich or not putting Miracle Whip on the sandwich with meat. Betsy, Ginny and I would go off to school secure and happy, with all of our folders and books organized, not realizing how much work and effort you put into making sure we had all that we needed.

You have always been there for me, cheering me on. When I wanted to run cross country and track in high school, you encouraged me and came to all my home meets and even some of my away meets. You would sit in the parking lot next to that little field house by the track at Varina High School and read a book, patiently waiting for me as I gathered my things after each practice. (I never even  thought about the fact that you might have other things to do at 5:30 PM, like cook dinner for an entire family!) When I wanted to swim on the summer swim team, you didn’t just drop me off, you volunteered as a timer at so many swim meets. You were always involved in my life: taking me places, talking to me, cheering me up… I even remember you making the long trip to VA Tech one summer day so I could do my vocal try-out for the group “The New Virginians.”

As I got older, you helped me be prepared for life. I still have the list of meals for lunch and supper and the recipes you gave me for my senior year of college. You got me set up with dishes and other household items I would need for my first apartment in college and then later when I moved out on my own. You also helped me to be prepared for life by teaching me to be organized and punctual. I remember when I was teaching at Chickahominy, another older teacher commented about how organized I was. I laughed in disbelief --- I didn’t feel very organized compared to you or Betsy! Then I realized that you had given that gift of organization to me, and other people could see it, even when I didn’t feel super organized myself.

Perhaps the greatest area in which I have been blessed with you as my mom is in the spiritual heritage you have given me. It wasn’t until I got involved with Cru in college that I began to realize how much I had learned about God from you. I had taken it for granted, believing that kids in all families knew all the Old Testament stories and who Jesus was and that He died on the cross for them. I didn’t realize how much you had been praying for me and also for Sean --- even before you and I had ever met him! I remember one time studying the book of Luke in a Bible study with you, Betsy, and Ginny when we were growing up. I also remember praying at breakfast as a family, putting on the armor of God. All of those “little” things you did that were really so important, I just took for granted.

Mama, you have a tender heart, and I have never, ever doubted how much you love me or others. Thank you, Mama, for being such a wonderful mom. When I was trying to think of what to give you for Mother’s Day this past May, I couldn’t think of anything that you couldn’t buy for yourself. Then God impressed upon me that I could tell you what I think all the time… and that’s how thankful I am for the mom that you are and the mom that you have been for me since October 29, 1970. It took me from May until now to write down my thoughts (how do I summarize in just 1 little page what you mean to me?!?!) So this Thanksgiving of 2011, I thank my God for giving you to me as my mom.

Proverbs 31:10 says, “An excellent wife, who can find? For her worth is far above jewels. The heart of her husband trusts in her and he will have no lack of gain” and verse 28 says, “Her children rise up and bless her…” So I am rising up today to bless you because of the blessing you have been to me.

I love you, Mama. Thank you for loving me and for being my mom!

my mom with Natalie, Samuel, and their cousin in December 2004