I'll Never...

Today Natalie leaves for Mexico.  Without us.  She's going on a missions trip to Puebla, Mexico for the third time WITHOUT Sean and me or the rest of our family.  When I asked her who she wanted to drop her off at church for the trip, she replied, "whoever will embarrass me the least."  That means I was out of the running.  I cried after she left this morning - or at least got teary-eyed.  Those who know me well know that I cry easily at most things.  It runs in the family: my brother-in-law jokes that there will be a whole lake in heaven filled with tears from the women in our family.  A jar wouldn't hold all our tears!   So that meant Sean dropped her off.  He didn't even stay to take a group photo (she didn't want him to) - I'll just have to get someone else's group photo off of facebook.  She did let me take a few pictures before she left this morning, so here is one of my favorites:

I'm excited for Natalie today!   I didn't cry when she left because I'm sad or worried, but because I'm excited for her, to see what God will do in her life.  Each year she comes back changed, and we get a glimpse of God making her more beautiful, more like Him.

I remember years ago when our church started doing these trips and taking fifth graders: FIFTH GRADERS!!!  The children's director who plans and leads these trips to Mexico is a good friend of mine.  She was excited the first year about taking a bunch of rising 6th graders to Mexico without their parents.  (Natalie was finishing 3rd grade at the time.)  I was excited for my friend (the children's director), but I also remember thinking, " I don't want Natalie to go on a missions trip to another country without Sean or me when she's only just finished 5th grade!  Too young!!!"  And yet, 2 years later, when Natalie asked to go, that's exactly what we did.  Why?  Because God worked in our hearts, and we believed that was what He was asking us to allow her to do.

We prayed a lot.  It's funny how God takes so many of my, " I'll never..." thoughts and turns them into, "I will..."  For example, I distinctly remember saying, "I'll never date a guy who wants to join staff with cru; I don't want to raise support."  Now here I am after 17 years of being happily married and thankfully and joyfully on staff with Cru.... two of the biggest blessings of my life  (and raising support for all of our needs and wants!)   Here again with Mexico, I learned once again that I shouldn't say or think, "I'll never..."  because sometimes the "I'll never"s turn into God's biggest blessings for us.

And that brings me back to Natalie.  I love her so much (just like I love all our kids incredibly!)  I remember before she was born; we didn't know if she was going to be a boy or a girl.  I remember being a little worried that if I had a boy then he might get into trouble or get hurt and that I might not be able to protect him from everything.  (Sean had told me some wild stories of growing up years with his cousins and friends; plus I had heard some college students' testimonies.)  Anyway, in the midst of my thoughts, God spoke clearly to me (not in an audible voice, but in my heart.)  He said point blank that there would be times in this child's life that I would not be there for him/her.  That I wouldn't be able to shield him/her from all the hardships of life.   (Those were disturbing comments!)  But He also said that He, God, would be there with my child, even when I couldn't.  As Natalie has grown, I have seen that to be true.  I can't stop some of the hurt that she experiences.  I can't go with her to school, read every text, book, or message that she reads.  I can't always be with her to help her make the best decisions and to walk her through every pain or trial.  But God can, and He does.   And as much as I love her and want to protect her, God loves her even more.  His plans for her life are even better than mine.  And I have to trust Him with that.  Even if it means sending her off to a foreign country when she is only 11 years old, or 13, or 14 (this is her third trip!)  And what's really cool, is that when I let God be God, let Him be in control, He does some pretty amazing stuff.  And in the end I'm thankful.  So when I catch myself thinking (I say it out loud less, but it still creeps in my heart at times,) "I'll never..." I remember the times like Natalie's trips to Mexico and how God has gloriously used the last two trips in her life.  And God reminds me that His plans are WAY better than mine, and that He loves me and those I love WAY more than I do.  So today, even though I'm teary-eyed, I'm super excited for my beautiful blue eyed, blond haired girl and the adventure that awaits her in Mexico.

Natalie's first trip to Mexico

another friend on Natalie's first trip to Mexico

Natalie with one of her favorite children at the orphanage

painting at the school in Mexico - 2012

Natalie had fun cracking eggs while I was busy with baby Samuel

This is Natalie on her first missions trip with us when she had just turned one.  We went to Algeciras, Spain and met families traveling to North Africa.  Here she is with a family that really enjoyed meeting her. 

Natalie loving on her baby brother Samuel