Watching and Waiting... and Trusting

looking out my parents' back door this weekend

I went to visit my family in Virginia this past weekend while I needed to leave Costa Rica for a few days in order to be able to continue to drive there.   It was wonderful to get to see them even for just a few short days. While there my mom asked me if it surprised or saddened me to see her and my dad age.  (It can seem more drastic when you are not seeing the slow progression, just like when you haven't seen someone's children for awhile and they have changed so much!)  Sometimes it is.  It's hard to see my older sister in pain or to share conversations with loved ones in a few short hours when I wish I could be there days on end to talk face to face.  One weekend is not nearly long enough.  And sometimes I want to be the hero, to fix all the problems that face my friends and family.

Last night after I got home, a dear friend in another country messaged me. Her family is going through some really tough stuff similar to what we have faced before.  Similar to what many others have faced or will face, but that doesn't make it any easier.  It's hard.  Really hard.  And because I've been there,  I want to be there for my friend to physically hug her, weep with her, pray with her, read scriptures with her,  listen to her, bring her a meal, watch her kids, and more.  But I can't.  I'm geographically too far away.

And when I really think about what I want, what I really want is to make everything better.  To ease the pain.  To wish they didn't have to go through the difficult times.  But pain happens.  It's part of life.

 And then God reminds me that I am not God, that I cannot take away all their pain and heartache.  But He is God. And He is in control. He is with them.  He doesn't promise to fix every problem or to take away all the fear, the anger, the frustration, the sickness, the pain...  But He does promise to be with us.  He even promises that the trials we go through will make us more complete.  We will see Him more clearly and know Him better through these difficulties.

Psalm 62:1- 2 says, "My soul finds rest in God alone; my salvation comes from Him.  He alone is my rock and my salvation; He is my fortress, I will never be shaken."  This is repeated later in the Psalm as a command: "Find rest, o my soul, in God alone; my hope comes from Him.  He alone is my salvation; He is my fortress, I will not be shaken."

Ultimately, I have to choose to rest in God, even when I can't be there to protect someone or fix their problems.  I have to trust God that He is with them, that He is their fortress and their salvation.  That He (not me!) is their God, and that He can handle it!.

So I pray fervently for those I love who are far away (and those who are close by.)  Sometimes I cry, too. Then I choose to rest in God and know that He is my rock and my salvation.  And that He is the rock and salvation of my friends and family, too.

God is our rock!

Not the road I wanted

I started to write this blog post about a month ago - or maybe two months ago.  But time went by...  and yet I still think about what God wanted me to learn the day that I had an unintended off - road adventure by myself.

It was our youngest child' first day of kindergarten. For the second time. And I was not his teacher even though I've been teaching him to read. When he was born, I thought I would be homeschooling him in kindergarten  like I had all the rest of our children at that age. But many times God has other plans for us than what we imagine.  Last fall he started kindergarten at a school connected to the language school where Sean and I were studying Spanish. Since I didn't know Spanish, I needed to be in class and, well, I can't be in two places at the same time, so he had to go to school. We considered whether or not to go back to homeschooling with some of our kids when I graduated in December.  3 of our kids wanted to - and I love homeschooling!  However, our children still didn't know Spanish well.  After praying a lot and talking together and visiting another school, we decided it would be best to enroll our children in a bilingual school where we are definitely the minority - almost all the kids speak Spanish as their first language - and our kids look very, well, white!

Micah outside his classroom - he's excited!

There was a beautiful rainbow on Micah's first day at the school reminding me of God's faithfulness

The list of school supplies was super long for each child, and of course, written in Spanish.  It took my quite awhile to figure out what all of the school supplies were that we needed and even longer to find them.  For Micah, there was one type of folder that he needed in red and yellow that I just couldn't find.  The day before his first class, I talked to his teacher about it, and she told me the name of a store where I could find it.  The next day (his first day of school,) I drove to the store using google maps to direct me.  It was higher in elevation than our home.  Next, I was going to go to the Cru office for a devotional - I had just the right amount of time.  Google maps gave me 3 choices of roads to get there, so naturally I chose the one that looked the least trafficky (I hate traffic!) and that was the fastest.  As I started out, I actually was going higher up the mountain, even though I would need to eventually come down to get to the office, which is two towns lower than our house.

The views were terrific.  Occasionally I would get stuck behind a big truck, but I was enjoying the journey.  I had just read the introduction to a lent devotional talking about enjoying the journey as a pilgrim and not rushing to get to the destination.

the view at the top of the mountain at the point the road became really bad

At one point, I needed to turn right to start descending down the mountain.  The road was not paved - that was okay - there is a non-paved road near our house that we often use.  I also was happy that I was driving our new (to us) large 4 wheel drive vehicle, and I had already switched it into 4 wheel drive.  However, as I continued down this road, it became narrower and rougher.  I finally got to one point where the road turned to the left and also had huge ruts.  I had to stop.  I didn't know if I could make it through this section of the road.  I got out and looked.

a mountain biker dismounted when he went by while I was stopped

I had never driven anywhere so bumpy.  I didn't really want to do this by myself, but I didn't really have a choice.  Because the road had gotten much narrower, I wasn't too sure that I could turn around.  I sat there for awhile trying to find the spot in the owner's manual that told how to put the vehicle in 4WD LO.  Meanwhile, it was time for the devotional to start.  My "shortest" route definitely was not turning out to be short at all.   I talked to Sean on the phone - he offered to come up there (but he would have been driving a friend's car - and I knew this road was not suitable for a regular car!)  So I asked him to pray and put the car in  4WD LO and slowly started down the road.

I have to drive down this?!?!  (It was worse than the picture shows.)

I made it!  I even stopped a couple of times to take pictures - it was truly a beautiful place - just not what I had in mind for that morning.

one of the beautiful scenes on the way down the mountain

God often does that.  I'm a planner.  I like to know where I am going and what I will be doing.  And yet we never really are in control.  That morning I thought I would buy two folders and then go to the office.  Instead I ended up with only one folder (I never did find a yellow one!) and missed the planned devotional.  But God had an even better lesson for me that I would not forget (maybe it's too easy for me to forget the planned ones?)  He wanted me to know that He is in control and that He will choose the roads for me to take.  He is the One in control - not me.

the one folder I was able to buy that day

For the past 6 weeks, I have often thought of that off-road adventure.  There have been times when I have been disappointed or frustrated in not getting to do what I want to do - and yet at the same time, I have seen God's hand.  He is working, and He is doing amazing things.  And His work is much greater than what I have planned or imagined, just like the view on the way down the mountain and the lesson He taught were both much greater than what I had planned for the day.

I had to make a yellow folder from an orange one after going to several stores and not finding one